SNOW

It's snowing in Limehouse. Yipeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Tecno Jeep

When cakes go bad

Back to my favourite subject - food.

I just found this blog - Cake Wrecks - that entertainingly records the many fantastic blunders of the confectionary industry. Check out the beautiful example above, boy, wouldn't you be tempted to pick that one out in the shop? Or even better, to have pre-ordered it and then be forced to pay for it. Oh happy days. I actually would have be thrilled, as it is so gloriously bad.

Here are some more festive beauties.....

And my personal favourite...

What was the person responsible for this thinking?! "Oh man, my snow covered hill looks a little boring with nothing but a deer on top. Hmmm, wait a minute... I have an idea!"

HA HA HA

I will be adding this wonder-blog to my favs so you can follow it along with me

My brother's blog

Hey,

You should all head over to my brothers blog ( click, or look for Maritimes, on my list of blogs, to the right of this post) and check out the video he just posted: 50 people, one question. It's really cool.

Enjoy

I'm was going to try to think of a secret to post here, but couldn't think of one (that I'm prepared to share..) so thought I'd pop back later to write one. Yet that seems so contrived and planned, and sort of against the spirit of the video, which seems to be spontaneous responses. So here's a good one: I'm scarred of posting anything real (that's not humorously phrased) about me on my blog, partly because of who reads it, but partly because I'm scared of stranger's judgments of me too, whether they comment that judgement or not.

Some happy Christmas memories

From the fabulous blog "sketchy santas"

Sketchy Santa from Coty Gonzales on Vimeo.

I'm not sure if my parents ever actually subjected us to this, I certainly don't remember if they did (smacks of mental repression, huh?) but I certainly wish they had taken some photos like these. Wowza, WHAT a way to freak children out.

Although taking a closer look at some of those Santas, I can kind of see why the kids are so upset. I'm not entirely convinced that all of them would pass their enhanced criminal records bureau checks these days......

christmas getting to know you

1. Wrapping paper or gift bags? I love gift bags but only use them when I have the opportunity to recycle ones given to me, as they're waaaay more expensive than paper. So, I generally use paper in plain bright colours which can then also be used for birthday presents at other times of year. Cheap? Moi?

2. Real tree or Artificial? It has to be real. Although I'm pretty flexible on the type of tree. At home we often decorate a branch of Holly from the garden. This year Dan and I decorated Steve's "Mr Yuca" plant (see above)

3. When do you put up the tree? Mr Yuca is up all year, but he is decorated as soon in December as I think I can get away with it without Steve shouting at me

4. When do you take the tree down? hm...when Steve makes me take the decorations off. I have no plans to "take" Mr Yuca "down", unless he starts up with the racist comments again

5. Do you like eggnog? I'm not sure I've ever actually tried it. It's sweet though, right? So, I'm pretty sure I'd like it.

6. Favorite gift received as a child? A floppy white bunny that was actually given to my sister, but that I stole within minutes of it being unwrapped

7. Hardest person to buy for? Hmmm, changes every year

8. Easiest person to buy for? my sister, i just choose something I'd like and hope to "inherit" it at a later date

9. Do you have a nativity scene? Nope

10. Mail or email Christmas cards? I plan to do mailed ones in the future, when I can afford it. For now, normally text messages....

11. Worst Christmas gift you ever received? My Mum recycles these stupid ball bearing puzzles in our stockings, EVERY year

12. Favorite Christmas Movie? Elf

13. When do you start shopping for Christmas? normally in december, although I started a little earlier this year

14. Have you ever recycled a Christmas present? Heck yes

15. Favorite thing to eat at Christmas? Christmas dinner! with allllll the trimmings (even a single token brussel sprout)

16. Lights on the tree? Yeah, of course! Even Mr Yuca is lucky enough to be lit this year (thanks Dan!)

17. Favorite Christmas Song? God rest ye merry gentlemen. Or santa baby... heh heh heh

18. Travel at Christmas or stay home? Definitely rather stay home. I had one Christmas in Florida and it was weeeeeird.

19. Can you name all of Santa's reindeer's? No way

20. Angel on the tree top or a star? we normally have a christmas tree-shaped decoration I made at primary school on top of the tree. So, neither

21. Open the presents Christmas Eve or morning? I've never understod this?! If you open your gifts on Christmas eve, what the hell do you do on Christmas day!?

22. Most annoying thing about this time of the year? not having as much money as I would like to spend on gifts

23. Favorite ornament theme or color? OOOoooo, my parents have so many decorations that I love. There's one little blue-with-white-spots chicken that springs to mind. Not sure what it's got to do with christmas, but i love it

24. Favorite thing to do this time of year? EAT (my favourite thing to do at all times of year)

25. What do you want for Christmas this year? I'd be pleased to get anything at all!

I would love to learn about you and what Christmas is to you, so blog or email.

Merry Christmas

AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW

This one's for you Steve

An ode to sushi

I don't have much to write about this week.


In my attempt to keep this blog largely impersonal (apart from the occasional entertaining photo) I don't have anything much to talk to you all about. Of course if this WAS a personal blog I might discuss my new JOB (Recovery Support worker for adults with mental health problems), or the lovely dinner I had last nights with some friends (souffled macaroni cheese, ala delia smith, try it, you will not regret it), or my current internal wrangling with what questions are and are not appropriate to ask ex-boyfriends.


BUT I don't write about that stuff here (mainly because my Mum might one day get hold of the address for this blog, if she hasn't already).


HOWEVER, I am being brutally pestered to come up with some new posts from my newest reader (reader spotlight: Dan, dear friend and fellow mocker of Harmer men, Dan you better say now if you don't want me to use your name on the blog, I can remove it). Some might ask how a new reader could be quite so impertinent as to demand such things, but hey, I'm a generous gal, and whatever Dan wants, I offer.


ANYWAY, as previously mentioned I am lacking inspiration for impersonal blog post ideas so I thought I would stoop to my favourite neutral topic. That of food.


And hence, to the beautiful, the succulent, the joyful,

SUSHI

As a kid I remember feeling sorry for the poor marooned men you'd hear of in the news and in myths and stories, forced to live in rubber dingys, or on desert islands, and drink their own urine and eat (horror of horrors) RAW FISH. Mercy me, that last point always sounded so dreadful. And yet I now know that they were totally milking the sympathy there. Admittedly they could have benefited from a little soy sauce and wasabi BUT they were still eating like kings the whole time. Raw fish is the way to go.


So, there you go, I love sushi. I love it from Itsu, I loved it on my birthday (as pictured above) and I loved it SO much when I had it at Rick Stein's place in Padstow. I even love it from Yo sushi. Yum yum yum. If I talked about personal things on this blog I would even mention that one of the main reasons I am happy to have a job is because I will be able to afford to eat sushi again. Bliss.

Well, wasn't that was an exciting view into my not-personal life? I look forward to many more posts like it. I could post about food every day of the week and not get bored, hope you won't get bored of it either.

So, who else here likes sushi?

Another reason to hate facebook

I hate facebook. Actually, as I said before, I don't really hate facebook. Well, I suppose in some ways I do. But anyway, regardless of whether I dislike it faintly, strongly, or down-right hate it, I have to say that this is yet another compelling reason not to have anything to do with it.

This guy was killed off (in cyber-space only, before you panic) by his friends "memorialising" his face-book page.

Now that I have spread this delightful idea, I hope you all have some fun finishing off some of your friends.

Worryingly, I know several people who would probably kill themselves at merely the thought of being locked out of facebook for more than 2 hours.

The anti look-how-gorgeous-I-am-in-every-photo-ever-taken-of-me post

In this age of self marketing, where we all try to show only our prettier sides to the world, I thought it might be refreshing to have an anti-facebook (anti-look at me and my beautiful friends/children/life) post and show you some fantastically, and entertainingly, terrible photos of myself. That's not to say that face-book and nice-photos are bad, i just think it's a shame that the bad ones get squirreled away and hidden, as they are really that much funnier!

In the above photo I am pulling my famed "llama" face, it's the one that sealed the deal between steve and I, as you can probably tell



This one is also delightful (you may wish to click to enlarge this for full horrendousness), as you can see. I think I look like an angry dog, jealously guarding my beloved bone (in this case, a carton of ribena)



Shiny shiny shiny



Didn't know I was one of twins huh? Yeah, my brother here got all the looks




Ok, I was just thinking that this is the most embarrassing one, as I truly look like I'm several months pregnant (don't get excited Mum/sis/female friends, this is definitely a food baby). Then I looked at darling Steve, and realised that at least his shorts, and eyes-closed pose do slightly detract from my seemingly immanent childbirth



This one's just funny. I particularly like the way you can see the action in this shot due to my blurry hands. In fact it reminds me of a ghost-sighting picture, but in which I am both the blurred-edged ghost AND the screaming lady



Awwww, thought I'd leave you with this one. Pretty as a flower. Steve doesn't appreciate face-book much either so I hope he'll join me with this protest

(sorry steve, if you're angry please note that i also posted the faux-pregnancy photo which I tried to make you delete because it's really that bad)



That was fantastic, no longer will these photos languish at the back of my hard drive never to be admired. Do you have any entertainingly bad photos of yourself you'd like to share? Or any more terrible ones of me? E-mail me them and I'll add them on!

Human Tetris

Great music, excellent video. One awesome idea.

For those of you who have not already looked up Fuck You Penguin, my absolute favourite blog ever (after Ed's and Pete's, well, not really, it's much better) - check it, now, do it people. It's for your own good.

Well, the author of the blog is also the author of the slightly (I really mean slightly) more politely titled book FU Penguin which I have not bought. Yet. If I was my brother I would put it in an I-want-it post, but hey, my blog is far too educational and philosophical to stoop to posting The Friday Wish List. No, i know it's not. But hey.

AAAAaaaanyway, the point of this post was not to bash my brother (though it is one of my favourite all-american sports), and it is not exactly to plug the above-mentioned book or to add it to my public christmas list. In fact, that other stuff was setting the scence so that I could then encourage you to read this review of the aforementioned, above mentioned book, by a REAL LIFE PENGUIN.

I love that Amazon is so multi-species these days. It's a sign of the times people, a sign of the times.

You can read the review on amazon, but I'll also post it here. For your convenience, you understand, not because I know you're too lazy to actually click on the link and scroll down the the necessary part of the amazon page. Of course.



Amazon Exclusive: A Penguin Reviews F U, Penguin

Matthew Gasteier’s latest book is a humorous, if slightly vulgar, exploration of the human tendency to anthropomorphize animals and its effect on both parties. As an animal who is currently being anthropomorphized by Gasteier myself, I thought the message was a bit lost in all of the comedy and full-color photographs. However, the average human will find the book to be very funny.

Based on his hit blog of the same title (though fully spelled out on the anything-goes internet), F U, Penguin includes 100 posts, one-third of which are entirely new. With an introduction for the book, plus forewords for all five sections (which include penguins, pets, and ugly animals), and facts about each animal, the new material adds up to about half the book, making it a worthy purchase even for the long time human reader of the site.

Granted, I only learned how to read last year, but since becoming a book reviewer for Amazon I’ve read quite a few animal-related books, and this was one of the strongest. While many of the facts are shaky at best (e.g. I’ve known quite a few seals, and they are always careful to only go to parties to which they have been invited), they are interesting enough to keep coming back for more. Obviously, as a penguin I have some issues with the “cold hard truths about penguins.” These sidebars take long-disproved stereotypes about penguins and recite them for comedic effect. At one point, Gasteier says penguins purposefully invite you to their wedding just to get a present because they know you can’t afford to attend. Quite frankly, I was rather disappointed he didn’t come, and his handmade pottery was no consolation, believe me. The section does not ruin the experience, but it’s a rare but disappointing misstep in a book that otherwise tries to stay light-hearted and fun.

It might be surprising to some that a penguin would respond well to a book that is ostensibly so derogatory towards penguins. But it’s clear that the character Gasteier has created really loves the penguins deep down, and is struggling to deal with that vulnerability. I remember my first crush on a penguin. Her name was Suzie and she smelled like seaweed. I used to stare at her while we stood on the beach. Once, she came over to talk to me, but instead of telling her how much I liked her feathers, I mumbled something about her preponderance of blubber in front of my friends to show I was tough. It hurt me, perhaps even more than it hurt her, but I didn’t yet know how to love, so I was pushing her away. Gasteier’s humor is that same kind of coping mechanism. I choose not to condemn, but to sympathize--a strong lesson in these rough economic times.

Overall, F U, Penguin is an enjoyable irreverent jaunt through the animal kingdom. While perhaps not quite as funny as John Audubon’s satirical masterwork, The Birds of America, Gasteier’s work will have you begging for more. Highly recommended. --A Penguin

A temptation that would have surely been too much for Steve

Oh, The Temptation from Steve V on Vimeo.

And me.........

Sarah and Burkhard's wedding

Hallo!

I'm afraid this is another off-blog-subject post. I wanted to get some of the photos from Sarah and Burkhard's wedding on here. We all had such a wicked weekend - particularly the very smiley bride and groom.

We noticed a few differences between German and British weddings. During the ceremony, the priest even pulled out a guitar from behind the pulpit and sang the bride and groom a song! (although they assure us that this is unusual for them too!). At the reception, less emphasis was put on speeches and more placed upon games and presentations by the guests for the newlyweds - including songs, puzzles, photos and a big board upon which people were asked to paint a small square containing something that connects them to the couple (we brits painted tea, queues and fish&chips!). We also released helium balloons with postcards written by each of the guests and addressed to Sarah and Burkhard, in the hope that some will be found and mailed to them in the next few weeks. It was an awesome day!

We also enjoyed staying in the beautiful city of Bonn (if you haven't been - go!) and sightseeing in nearby Cologne. We even got to take Steve to the Haribo factory shop - I swear he was more excited than all the kids there!!! It was his idea of heaven (though possibly not his dentist's...)

Hope you like the pictures

Through the dragon's eye....

Since childhood I have had an enduring, but misty, memory of this AWESOME television series we watched at school. I remember it being the most exciting program ever and had lucid memories of melty-people, dragons and an unbelievably scary baddie.

Today I found it on Youtube! And watched the entire series (yes, unemployment is not good for me).

Check it out..... but don't get scared!

Now I'm off to look for Geordie Racer

Someone Once Told Me

Here's a cool blog/website that is like what i wanted mine to be like.....but a bit less stalker-ish, in that it just asks people directly, rather than sneakily listening in on private conversations. Anyway, it's cool, check it out, participate if you want. But I bet you can't decide on which sage piece of advice that you've been given, you would share with the wide, wide world.

Or can you? If yes, you should really take a picture and send it into the lovely people at Someone Once Told Me - or just leave a comment here if you like - get involved, share your wisdom, - goodness knows I can always use some wisdom.

Fareham hillbillies

You would have been forgiven for thinking that Chris and Amy's new neighbours might have been a little nervous to see their new neighbours moving in at 11pm, in the dark, banging and clanging, shouting and yelling directions, and scaring the local dominoes delivery guy. But they must have been REALLY scared in the fresh light of the morning when they saw that their new redneck neighbours had tried to park their 7.5T truck in their modestly sized new driveway.

They do not know what they're letting themselves in for.........

MP train scandal

Setting: South west trains service to London Waterloo. Freya is sitting in the quiet (not for long) carriage when an entire class of 12/13 year olds get onto the train. The kid sitting behind me calls over his teacher to show him something.

Kid: Sir, is there an MP called Jacqui?

Teacher: Yes - Jacqui Smith

Kid: Sir, sir, she has left her mobile number on the train.

Teacher: What?

Kid: Look, it's graffitied on the back of this chair "Jaqui, MP, Buckingham Palace, London, Mob: 079....(etc)".

Teacher: I'm pretty sure that wasn't written by Jaqui Smith MP. I'm pretty sure she wouldn't graffiti her personal contact details on the back of a south west trains chair

Kid: I don't know sir, I've heard that they do stupid stuff like that all the time....



How right you are kid, how right you are.....

Let me introduce you to Sonya

I would like to introduce those of you who have not already met Sonya, to my new favourite animal, the Slow Loris. As you can see, she is UNBELIEVABLY cute - look at those eyes! And boy, she loves to be tickled. She also LOVES eating meal worms, which those of you who don't mind creepy-crawlies can check out here. Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.

I acknowledge that this is diverging massively from the intended subject of my blog, but hey, tough. I couldn't not share Sonya. Everyone needs a slow loris youtube video in their life.

It doesn't look good

Hmmm, having further studied this youtube video, I have to admit that it does sounds rather like "mine mine mine". But I am unwilling to concede this just yet. Have another look and imagine that they just have very strong Australian accents....... Does anyone see where I'm coming from here?

"MATE MATE MATE"

Hmm, I may be clutching at straws.

So they say....but what is it that they say?

Ok guys, I need some help, can you help settle a long-term argument between me and steve? Do the seagulls in Disney's film Finding Nemo shout "mate mate mate" (with aussie accents -phonetically "mite mite mite") or "mine mine mine"?!!!

Please leave a comment below to vote, all opinions welcomed. I will of course publish the results of this vote if you all agree with me.

Thank you

You know its "mate". Ever hear an Aussie say anything else?

Two in one day, phew

Check out this blog, I think it's a great stress-beating concept. We all have to let out our overwhelming anger at poncey bikes in London sometimes (amongst other things).

I'm not sure if this is funny or disturbing

Photo: Jeremy Early

Setting: Kew gardens, by the big duck pond. Freya, sitting on a bench admiring the ducklings, is approached by a very sweet looking grandma dressed in floral print and orthopedic shoes.

Grandma: Oh aren't the ducklings adorable, what sort of duck do you think they are?

Freya: I'm not sure, but they're very cute aren't they? (etc, this innocent duck-based conversation continues for around 5 mins)

Grandma: I was down here the other day watching some lovely coots building a lovely nest...

Freya: Mm-hmm

Grandma: They were terribly busy, collecting lovely twigs, catching lovely bugs....

Freya: Mm

Grandma: ...when all of a sudden they started (grandma's voice goes low and sadistic) they started having SEX (yelled) - MWAH HA HA HA HA

Freya: .............................?

I'm not sure if I should really be so disturbed by pensioners using the S word, and I'm sure her voice wasn't really low and sadistic (though the semi-evil laugh was genuine enough), it just seemed such a strange observation to share, with a random stranger, in a park....? Am I a granny-prude?! OR was she trying to be hip with da kids? Who knows, I think it might just be easier to watch the free wildlife porn than learning how to using the inter-magingey-net-a-ma-doodle... We all gotta get our kicks somewhere.....

FU animals

I just stumbled across this blog (http://fuckyoupenguin.blogspot.com/) and it's hilarious. I'm not exactly sure what the animals have done to provoke such wrath, but hey, they do gratuitously milk their cuteness sometimes, little f**kers.

Ash and Sarah's wedding

This one has nothing to do with funny things I've heard, but hey, I wanted to share these photos and it's a good way to get my friends to look at my blog! Bwah ha ha

Photos from Ashley and Sarah's wedding May 30th 2009

Things that are different about America

Whenever people ask me about my time living in the states, I always tell them that I was shocked at how different things were over there. Yet, when asked for concrete examples, nothing ever comes to mind beyond "they call petrol 'gas' ". I must have anticipated this problem when I first returned home and actually wrote a list of things that had surprised me, and today I found the list... here are some funny ways in which the US is different from the UK....

1. Cheques = "Checks"

2. People pack your groceries for you and ask whether you'd like "paper or plastic"?

3. It seems that you can drive in any lane on the "highway" you feel like and undertaking is positively encouraged

4. "Straight" means good, but "gay" does not mean bad

5. Things that are "the shits" are good

6. Things that "suck dick" are bad (this one I do not understand)

7. Car insurance only covers you up to a set maximum - don't hit a porshe

8. They pronounce route as "rowt"

9. Crisps are chips and chips are fries

10. Cookies = biscuits and Biscuits = some weird scone-like things

11. You can buy gallon tubs of weight watchers ice cream

12. Americans think that all English people are from London, or near London

13. Keg parties aren't just in the movies

14. It's impossible to order a normal sandwich, you have to choose what size? what bread? what salad? pickles? chillis? fat free dressing? ranch or italian? black olives? what cheese? etc

15. Cici's pizza - all you can eat for $3.99 (that's  less than £3 ALL you can eat)

16. There is no £ sign on american keyboards, despite the $ being readily available on all british keyboards

17. The @ symbol is on the 2 key

18. Lots of people actually think mullet haircuts are cool. No, really

19. Thanksgiving is about food, Christmas is about presents

20. 100 channels is the smallest cable package (though it's getting this way in the UK now too. Good ol' freeview)

21.  Rims = wheels, whip = car, ice = jewellery and mummies = girlfriends

22. Popeyes - chicken and "biscuits" (see 10 above)

23. Taco Bell - fast mexican

24. Arbys - grease burgers

25. Checkers - fat burgers

26. Dairy Queen - drive-thru ice cream (hell yes)

27. Wendys - square burgers (WTF?!)

28. You have to pay to have a current account

29. Condoms are "rubbers" not "johnnies"

30. Don't ask for a "rubber" when you want an "eraser"

31. People don't say Hello, they say "Hellohowareyou" - this doesn't mean they want to know how you are

32. Milk has a use-by date of 3 weeks after you buy it, rather than the usual 5 days - I'm not sure if they're doing something weird to theirs or whether we're doing something weird to ours...

33. You can't buy small quantities of shampoo

34. You can't buy small bottles of milk (smallest = 4 pints!! but see point 32)

35. Drinks are measured in ounces - a pint is 16oz, a "beer" is 12oz

36. All lighting is from lamps not central room lighting (this was a real shocker, I didn't see a room light the whole time I was in Florida)

37. Grape juice tastes like it's made from an entirely different fruit

38. Banks send you back your cheques (checks) after the person has paid them in (and you can order cheques printed with any pattern/picture you choose)

39. Credit cards have your photo on them (this is actually an awesome idea)

40. You have to tip for drinks (actually this is true in London sometimes)

41. Eating out is cheap, especially at lunchtime

42. Traffic lights instead of roundabouts

43. Libraries have a drive-thru drop-off (well, Sarasota library did)

44. Pancakes are fat not thin

45. Oatmeal cookies are not health food (and taste awesome!)

46. "smores" - toasted marshmallows

47. You can buy guns in Walmart

48. You never have to pay for parking (except at Busch gardens where you pay an extra $7 on top of the $50 entrance fee)

49. Knickers are called panties

50. Trousers are called pants

51. No one owns a kettle but everyone owns a coffee machine

52. They have acetaminophen instead of paracetamol (it took me a long time to work that one out)

53. Nearly all chocolate bars contain peanut butter

54. Things labelled as Cadburys are really still Hersheys (and SUCK)

55. You don't have to return your "shopping cart" (trolley) to the shop, you just leave it wherever you want in the car park

56. Provalone cheese (I still dont really know what this is)

57. Chedder is the colour of red leicester

58. You can sometimes find British food (baked beans, salad creme, ribena, stock cubes) in the ethnic isle of the supermarket

59. You can turn right at red lights (yes, in cars, not just on bikes)

60. Plugs only have 2 prongs

61. Most freezers have an automatic ice-maker

62. Cars only have to have number-plates on the back

63. Book shops always have coffee shops inside them 

64. And most enigmatic of all - hole punchers have different spacings.....WEIRD

These observations are obviously based on my time in Florida, so my apologies to any americans who feel they may have been misrepresented by their floridian brethren....

This one is cheating....

Due to a complete lack of funny stories I overheard myself these last few days (doesn't look good for the concept of this blog already, damnit) - here's one that was published in the London Metro in an article about new yorkers. I'll probably pilch some more next time London isn't providing any of it's own funniness. This one, however, reminded me very much of a victoria line train pulling into KingsCross/Victoria/Oxford Circus (delete as personally appropriate) at rush hour.

Setting: Queens-bound R train

Conductor: "Please step in and mind the closing doors....... Sir. Move your stuff out of the doors so I can close them! Motherf***er gonna make me late........gonna make us ALLLLLL late!"

Post one

Setting: Scandinavian cafe, central london. Two american, late-twenty-something women talking over skinny lattes and gravidlax.


Woman 1: "I have lots, I mean I have looots of, like, hobbies..."

Woman 2: "Oh yeah, me too. What do you like doing"

Woman 1: "Well, err, I like err, ummm"

Woman 2: "Mainly shopping right?"

Woman 1: "Yeah, basically just shopping!"